When you are in a conversation with someone, are you really listening to what they are saying?
Or are you just waiting for your turn to jump in and speak?
Or even worse, are you just looking to point out their errors?
If you do any of these things, you are not alone. But you should try to stop.
A long time ago in a performance evaluation I got told by our HR Director that I didn’t wait long enough after someone else spoke to respond.
I hadn’t noticed it before, but as I reflected on what she said, I realized she was right. I was a fast responder!
She said that my mind worked very quickly and that I made the person who was speaking feel smaller by responding too quickly, particularly if I disagreed with what they were saying, or if I offered them some advice to do something in a better way.
Yikes! Why would I ever want to make someone feel small!?
That was definitely not my intention, but I never noticed I was doing it until she pointed it out.
Active listening means really hearing what someone else is saying.
She suggested that I take a more conscious look at this, and to purposely wait a few seconds after they finished talking before I responded.
This was a really awesome exercise! I was surprised at how much more receptive the other person was to my responses when I took that extra little bit of time. I could tell that they felt I valued what they were saying, and it became a true conversation. And I DID value what they were saying, so that made my message become even more valued.
I attended a seminar not long after that and realized that what she had taught me was something called Active Listening and it is an essential skill in any communication, but particularly in business communication.
When you are actively tuned in to what someone is talking about, you are a much better partner in the conversation, which is the whole point!
You can miss the message entirely if you are concentrating on something other than what the other person is saying.
I see this a lot in social media posts. Someone posts an opinion or a link to a news story and the comments always include people who are pointing out typos in the story itself, or in other people’s posts. It’s one of those things that I notice too, but I never say anything (anymore!).
The message being discussed gets lost in the typos and grammar comments, which is then a waste of time.
It also happens in live instances. If you are watching a speaker share a message with you and they have a typo in their Powerpoint, or if they seem nervous, or if their hair is sticking up, or they have a cough, or even if they have a habit of shuffling their notes – these things can be distracting. But it’s up to you to concentrate on the message that is being shared in that moment, not on the errors or missteps by that speaker.
Whether you are paying for a training or it is free (and you are only giving your time), don’t miss the point of what you are there for.
Focus, concentrate, and be forgiving enough to see past things like typos.
There is a coach I follow whose voice irritates me (I know, how shallow!). But she is so smart! It took a few times for me to listen to her trainings to get past the accent so that I could take advantage of the message of her teaching, but I really value learning from her.
A colleague of mine once pointed out a number of typos in a big-time coach’s presentation to her at a large-scale event we were at. She responded that if we were so focused on the typos that we felt the need to bring it to her attention, then we probably didn’t pay close enough attention to her teaching. She was totally right. We were so busy trying to spot typos that I don’t even remember what she taught. Such a good lesson that we have both carried with us since.
This week I gave a great training on how to respond to RFPs. After the webinar was over I got many emails about how people enjoyed the content.
But … I got one that pointed out 2 errors in my Powerpoint. I knew right away that she missed the whole point. I considered responding the same way that coach responded to us but didn’t.
Instead I’ll share it here so you can learn from it and not make the same mistake.
Don’t miss the message.
If you take the time to get involved in a conversation, stay focused on the message. Value what the other person is saying, whether you are simply engaged in conversation, or hoping to learn from them.
Business is all about building relationships. Make sure you build strong ones. Click here to improve your skills by asking questions and then actively listening to the responses from the people you are connecting with!
And if you want some help with techniques to help you do this better, contact me for a complimentary Cut to the Chase call www.yourvamentor.com/15-min!